but when I reached to touch your hand

“God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said ‘yes I think we've met before’
In that instant it started to pour.”
- Stars: Your ex-lover is dead

Oh how happiness turns in to dread and dread turns in to love and love turns in to nothingness and nothingness turns in to loving your fish.

I’m not sure if they are doing very well. I cleaned their water – a task much over due. With a paper-towel or two dabbing the inside of their pool left the side gleaming. Yet, after a closer inspection the water was murky with white goo. Such is life when you clean your tank with a paper-towel or two. So I said ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘please don’t die’ and quickly turned on the filter. The rest is up to God and that un-kept machine. Does he care about my fish I wonder? I named them after words he apparently appreciates. Joy and Remembrance where are you?

If I were your woman

Am I in love now? How about now?...now?
Remember that one time longish ago when you said I sounded like I was in love? Well am I in love now?
How about now?

Okay that was fun.
I had a good Easter weekend. I hope everyone else did. Wow I’m talking to people like I think there are people actually out *there.* I think this is a first – me wishing you all well and stuff.

So I went to Medicine Hat with my family. That was good. I ate way more than I should have and I gained around 6 pounds – the size of a small child you say!? (in horror)
Why yes!, I reply - The size of a small child.

Oh I wrote down things I thought were funny at the time during my Medicine Hat spiritual journey. Let me see if I can find them.
Okay they weren’t that good. Moving on…
I went to visit my Aunt Martha and she…oh tatu came on…I still love them (kind of) even though they came so quickly and left so quickly and are big fakes.

Anyway, my Aunt was in tears because she starts to cry every time she thinks about Jesus on the cross - apparently. I ate a lot. Met some British people. All in all it was a pretty good few days. I’m sure I left out some important bits but that is all I can remember right now.

they wont see your face but you’ll want them too until they do

Can one actually like a person that they’ve only met online? Really it’s the other person’s writing they’re falling in love with. Your words are completely different than your actions, thoughts, reactions and mannerisms. Although, if your writing is dull and shallow then you’re probably dull and shallow. But I’m not sure if it works the other way – but it could. S/he could be amazing: full of wit and adventure. And what do they think of you? How many online friends do they have? Are you the one and only or are you one in many? And if you are the only one then is that person desperate, alone and creepy? But, what if you dismiss all your other friends for this one online amazement? Does that make you desperate or just desperately in love?

I’ve got the I-don’t-know-how-to-fix-the-damn-thing blues.

Do we all have a lot of secrets? Or, do some people lead normal yet boring lives where everything is just always out in the open? Are there some people that just, somehow, acquire a lot of things that other people don’t know about? Maybe the more secrets you have, the more scared you are. Scared about how you live your life, scared about your thoughts, scared about your surroundings.

Angelina where are you!? oh there you are

This is a picture I took…

I just came back from my two week practicum. During that time I wrote bits down when I wanted to and here they are.

March 8, 2005
I forced myself away from my desk and went outside today at lunch. I forget how nice the outside is sometimes. As soon as the first bit of wind hit my face I let out a breath of relief. Yes, the wind oddly enough had a vague odour of manure and fresh cigarette smoke. But, no matter what, cool refreshing air is so much better than that dry recycled stuff and florescent lights.

March 10, 2005
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night it’s not someone who has seen the light it’s a cold and broken halleluiah. Today I discovered I really, really like K.D. Lang.

March 11, 2005
“This is career limiting,” she whines while holding a pie dangerously close to her boss's face.

Those darn engineers. At least I think it’s the engineers that pie people for money. At any rate the Alumni woman was getting back at her boss, the high up executive relations guy, and so the engineers suggested that she pie him in the face instead of them. It was really funny…but she was a little hesitant.

March 14, 2005
“The Liberals are coming to town and it’s snowing. That’s what happens when the Liberals come to town,” I’m not sure who said that but I heard it being said…at the office…today.

I saw the Prime Minister today in real life. I couldn’t stop smiling. OK that’s a lie I could stop smiling but it was exciting.

Romantic snow?

This is a picture I took. I don't usually just display pictures but I'm too lazy to take it away or write anything under it so...so THERE.

in the end

Dear Orange:

Why are you covered in wax?

After pealing one of your kind today I looked down at my hands to find my skin vandalized. Covered in what looked like small translucent fish scales.

Why must you be camouflaged? Why must you concern yourself with looking newer, fresher, younger, and more luscious – but on fake terms?

Everything is masked and I’m sick of it. I promise if the option is put out there I will happily eat a dull lopsided, but succulent, orange – I promise.

Please, just give me the opportunity to accept something real; Void of sparkling skin, firm outsides and that colour I now realise doesn’t really exist.

Is it about being judged? Because I will not judge you Orange.

I find it hard not to critique an orange that is hiding behind something it is not; Instead, I look harder for imperfections.

Fake is a turnoff – luscious honest insides are not.

I look forward to your truthful reply.

Love always,

M.