Christmas - Take 23

As I counted the new wrinkles on each of my cousins faces and attempted to total them together I had to consider the theory that I may, one day, get old and wrinkly too.

That's one of the things I got out of my Christmas...how about you?

And I'm alone now

Wanna here a poem I wrote on Aug. 16, 2005?

Something I've said lately
Has struck me below my own belt
And now there's a monster in my stomach
And the faith I kept in my pocket
For some rainy day
Seems to have gone through the wash
My feelings have been drained away
And in their place lies staticy reprise

Good morning?

So much for sleeping in today.
I was jolted awake by loads of pounding noises and a child cry-screaming. The, 7ish-year-old was outside banging on the window below mine and rattling the door leading in to the apartment like there was no tomorrow.
Anyway. I glared out my window for awhile trying to understand why there was a kid in his PJs wearing winter boots crying hysterically out side my window. After a second or two of waking up I realized maybe he was stuck out there...so I got my housecoat on (his parents were probably ignoring the banging to teach him a lesson - morons) went outside and said 'what's up little guy' and he said 'I was, sniffle, bored so I, sniffle, wanted to get toys out, sniffle, of the truck.' I was worried he was going to say his parents left him out there as some sort of punishment...anyway so he went back into apartment 205 and I sat up in my bed with my heart pounding because of all that sudden craziness.
Poor kid.

Hi

Jasmine named a girl in Korea after me. I was really touched.
Jasmine said she would keep naming girls 'Meghan' if I wanted - I said OK. Korea won't know what hit it.

I decorated my giant bamboo the other day. There are lights and five ornaments draped over the poor thing - it's sagging from all the festivity.

Heather and I got a free giant '70s orange dirty couch and a matching really dirty chair for our living room. I never really thought I was a crazy germ phob. but each time I sit down on the couch (it's taking me a bit longer to warm to the chair) I feel like germs are being absorbed into my bum.

DON'T JUDGE ME

I actually screamed something like that to one of the assistants at work today. I walked into the office and forgot what I was doing there - so I sort of stopped for a second or two, thought for a bit about what I was doing and then said to that assistant "wow I forgot what I was doing for a second." She said nothing and just wrinkled up her face and made this you're-strage-and-crazy-and-I'm-bettter-than-you face. 'JUDGMENTAL' I screeched as I kept walking to finish the task I had almost forgotten. I know people like her have very small self-esteems and are only outwardly confident but my ego gets nocked down a bit every time someone like her opens their mouth. She hasn't talked to me since...she doesn't usually talk to me but I'm convinced she's mad at me.

Cold

I had tears in my eyes as the lights turned on.
People were laughing and one teenage boy said to his friend, "I think that was the best James Bond movie yet ."
I'm considering blaming my emotional outburst on some sort of hormonal imbalance but I think just a little bit of those tears were real.
A whimpering, scared old man is lying on his stomach on a dirt road and is using his thin arms to pull his body to safety. His leg has been shot. Once the scared old man reaches the stairs leading up to his home he looks up, his whimpering now turned to sobbing, and the person who shot him, a fit man with a large gun, says "the name's Bond, James Bond."
Hail Bond: A murderer and torturer of the weak and old.
I just think the whole thing is a bit absurd - to glorify torture.

worthless

test test test

It’s healthy

Let your anger out.
Hit me in the face and let your rage float
Down your body and out your toes
Stop ignoring the facts.
Stop hiding and tell me how you feel
Run away and leave me to bleed
Stand up for your self.
Lay off your support system
Alone and suffering but free

Once cruel, forever a crow.

Remember when I had dreads!? I kind of want them back...

There's an army of crows somewhere near by. They're being really loud. Crows freak me out. I don't know where I got the idea into my head but, I've always thought mean/evil/bad/nasty/cruel people get reincarnated into crows as some sort of punishment.

Oh also, today I left the apartment and crossed the street and suddenly this really big car barged out of the alley way, which was partially hidden from me by this big van. The giant car rolled down onto the main street and scraped the bottom of the car on the road. The big scraping sound made me jump. And then! Just when I think it's safe to cross the back alley this guy with four huge garbage full of bottles tied onto his bike zooms by - I made a mini scream sound and he had to swerve to miss me and then I felt guilty because he almost lost balance.

Anyway.

I'm still sick and my head feels all stuffy.

I was half stung by a bee once

Thailand decided to get couped today.

I'm going to be in Bangkok in about a week. I hope the new rulers are nice.

I wrote my mom a "should we be worried?" email and she responded:

"Oh my, a little coup hey? Tanks in Bangkok hey? Piece of cake Meg, we are prairie Albertan of pioneer stock, little "dust-up" like this will be no problem. Seriously though, guess we need to keep our ears open..."

I love you

This photo was taken by Karl

Yo.
I have this relatively controllable urge to start all my work emails with 'Yo.' I also want to say 'Yo' to my co-workers as I pass them in the hallways.
I haven't done it yet but one day I will...one day.
I have a cold. My nose is running. I just found some extra strength something-or-other drugs in the bathroom. With any luck they will do the trick.
I'm almost done my crazy book called Winkie. I'll be glad to start reading a normal book that doesn't write about talking bears giving birth to other talking bears and then getting that bear charged as a terrorist by crazy lawyers and being defended by a stuttering crazy. Sheesh.
I think I'll read one of the books Rachel gave me. The cover of the book looks like fake wood - I totally judge a book by its cover! So, this book is going to be super.
Ok, bye.

Teddy sends his regards

I think I was supposed to meet with Anne today. Crap.Well she hasn't phoned me...so that means she forgot too or she's doesn't want to talk to me or she brought others along to amuse her just in case something like this happened.

Today, as usual, was stressful. I'm slowly figuring out ways to be more organized, which is good. I need to buy an umbrella. Every time it rains I tell myself I need to buy an umbrella and then I don't - what's with that? It's because I have this image of the perfect umbrella and I won't just buy some normal umbrella, which is just a silly way to behave. I'm like that with boots. I've wanted boots for years but I have this image in my head of the perfect boots so I've never bought a pair.

I miss Karl. I'm turning into a lazy slob that eats all the time and watches bad TV. Today I got pizza delivered. I've never had something delivered when I've been by myself before...a new low?

I opened my door when I thought the pizza guy would have had enough time to walk down the hallway to get to my apartment door. As I opened the door a woman, who came in from the back door, said hello to me as she walked passed my door. I said hello back but kept standing there, because I was waiting for the pizza guy, and because I kept standing at my open door she kept staring at me as she walked down the hallway and so she rammed into the pizza guy.

Welcome

Hi,

I'm going to try to write a normal post right now. New blog template = new Meghan! I will only write about my day and I will never quote another song.

There's an ice cream truck blasting its music somewhere close to my apartment window. That's the first ice cream truck I've heard in years. Meanwhile, I'm blasting the un-edited version of Lets Get Retarded - whatever, I'm not proud of it.

I'm also going to take more pictures that look like the one above. I love those green colours and reds. Anyone want to be a model for me? Here's the chance to get dolled up in red lipstick and wear gold jewellery. We can roam the streets looking for abandoned couches surrounded in overgrown grass. I'm free this Sunday - any takers?!

I'm planning on talking to Pearl about buying that T-shirt making book. We can half the cost and then have a huge t-shirt making/destroying party...Rachel should come too. I'm not sure if Rachel has t-shirts that deserve to be slaughtered...

Everyone in my neighbourhood jogs or has a dog or jogs with their dogs or has a baby or jogs with their baby - it's ridiculous and I am finding myself wanting to be those people. But then I remember dogs are a lot of work, I give up running after about 20 seconds of starting and if I gave birth I'd feel guilty about the whole thing.

So, in the end, I just picture myself in their houses. I mostly just re-landscape bad lawns of nice houses in my head as I walk by.

You know when you gave your love away

I am going to go buy a coffee or some sort of tea and read my book outside. I will breathe the fresh air and not be bored.
Deal?

In a perfect world

Then I'll dig a tunnel from my window to yours, yeah a tunnel from my window to yours. You climb out the chimney and meet me in the middle, the middle of the town. And since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know, then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.



Every day can be opposite day.

From what I have seen everyone is mentally challenged. Everyone. You’re crazy. I’M CRAZY. Most people think their brain is challenged in the right way. But, everyone knows real crazy people don't think they're crazy. One mentally challenged person judging another. As you attempt to blend in with the rest but make sure to stand out just enough to be envied just a little, people think you're nuts...you see?

OPPOSITE DAY EVER DAY SILENCE WHEN VOICES ARE DESPERATLY NEEDED WORDS WHEN ONLY HUGS WILL DO I'M TIRED YOU'RE AWAKE TO OFTEN GET A LIFE STOP SEEING SO MANY PEOPLE WALK STOP FIGHT KNEEL LIFE DEATH DEAD MEAT VEGETARIAN HOT DOGS DEAD ROBINS ON THE ROAD BLUE BIRD ON YOUR BIRD BATH

jello is for the weak of heart

You know those things that my English teachers would make me do? She made us write non stop for 2 minutes and we weren't a loud to stop or backspace.

Kiss me better and I will wait until the sky is flying above your head and under mine you will race against time but soon the buzzer will buz or that ding will ding I wonder why time is spent day dreaming about waiting for someone to swoosh you off your tired ass when really you jut want a back rub and some hot tea I will wait until I hit one of those depressed spells I keep reading about and you keep pretending to fear about waiting is for the strong at heart its even worse to wait when you’ve waited before and finally the time came when that dinger dung but still that waiting bit has messed up priorities and no real feel of what could count as real urgency while I the greatest moper of them all waits for something she’s already waited for even I’m not sure if I’m making this clear clear clear even when you find what you’re waiting for you are forced to wait because they’re still waiting for something else and you weren’t what they were waiting for whoops their bad you’re a happy bump in the road I know how it feels you treated others like they were just happy or even mediocre bumps in the road and now you’re finally that bump how does it feel now chump the past bumps who have by this time ironed themselves straight are laughing and laughing oh how they laugh I wonder how long I will wait what if I get the iron out right now oh that’s right I said it the iron I’ll start with my heart and end with that one toe that curves a bit too much to the left kiss me you fool oh you cant because you’re under a waterfall maybe that is your ding that is what you’re waiting for but that water will run cold and all you’ll be left with is a half ironed out heart broken fool.

He’s only famous because he’s been shot nine times

Today you are going to not only smile to your co-workers you are going to great them by their names and ask what they did on the weekend. You’ll make sure to have a twinkle in your eye as you ask and you’ll make just the right amount of eye contact. When they ask you what your week looks like you’ll give a short but intelligent answer about how the future looks hectic yet positive.

As you place your jacket on the back of your chair you will greet the person to your right and you’ll walk over to the new girl, greet her by name, and ask if she’s settling in alright. You say something that will bond the two of you almost instantly and then will go back to your desk and press *89 to check your phone messages.

Then the majority of your emails will be ‘thank you’ notes from almost strangers and your three bosses. You decide today is the day to introduce yourself to boss number four and you will shake his hand firmly. You know, as you shake his hand, your smile will be calming and he will complement you on your top, the perfectly pressed top you ironed an hour and a half ago. But first, the girls are calling you to come for coffee.

"Just half a sec," you sing as you reach for your wallet.A folded square piece of paper falls; you pick up the paper and discover it’s a love note.

"How did that get in there?" You sashay to your friends with embarrassed red cheeks. You shyly tell the girls about the note and they surround you looking over your shoulder reading the note aloud.

"'I’ll be waiting for you…' ohhhh," they say laughing. Then each quickly talks over each other explaining why they think you should elope and only invite the five of them.

After you get what everyone thinks is a white chocolate mochachino with whip, which actually is just hot water, you sit down and make important phone calls. You make sure to set up important business meetings over the phone during lunch hour and then you take your lunch at 2:30 because that’s when the gym is the emptiest.

Finally, with a bit of a head ache, you are about to leave for the day. You open your secret stationary drawer, write 'I love you more than when I did yesterday,' fold the paper into a perfect square and gently tuck it into your wallet for tomorrow.

I really miss you when you're not around

Friday nights at Meghan's house = OH MY GOD SO MUCH FUN!

That was a lie.

But, I do smell like strawberries and passion fruit - but there's no one to smell me.
______________

I have teary eyes because I just came back from watching a sad show and now I'm lonely.
______________

I'm chowing down on two Oreo cookies and a camp fire smoke smell is drifting into my room. Fuzz from trees are floating in slow motion past my window and I'm contemplating going back for more... cookies.

Too artsy for the main stream crowd?

Holy I am beyond not impressed with life right now - right at this VERY second – the last few seconds haven’t been great either.

There is nothing on T.V. except some Canadian show with that guy from that show Jamie likes and that young guy from Corner Gas. Anyway it’s about some model who thinks everything is going amazingly but really some psycho is being creepy *le sigh*

I also ate two chocolate cupcakes and now I feel like barfing.

The radio just said that rain barrels are being sold on my birthday for $60 at the Brentwood c-train station – well now I don’t have to think about what I’m doing for my birthday. No presents this year guys and gals. Please use your funds to buy a rain barrel or two and name them after me. Thank you.

I’m going stir-crazy. I actually haven’t left my apartment today. Although, about half an hour ago I went out onto the balcony – that was alright, I smelled the smells and looked at the looked.

I really like the voice of the person talking on cjsw right now at 8:59. Yup, yup I do.

I wanna go home. Actually I want Karl to go home. KARUL?!

OK and now visit all of these sites. Thank you.
http://www.lukechueh.com/
http://www.madhatter.it/
http://www.stritsidis.gr/downloads.htm
http://theknownuniverse.us/?cat=1

Did i tell you i set a cookie on fire?

The future is a big place and life is a tad meaningless. I just want to have a good time and do a bit of good and feel proud of myself and just live and when I do live I want to make sure I realise that I am living. It's hard.

Lets pretend I just finished watching something scary on the T.V. Well what would you do?

I feel like there are monsters in the closet and an axe murder standing behind me. I’m alone and I think all the bad guys know it.

Let’s blame this on the scary movie I watched and the large caffeinated pot of tea I drank. The music that usually cures my panic attacks isn’t working and I don’t feel like doing yoga.

I hope someone calls and scares away my overactive imagination.

I can’t stop.

There. I’m getting better the axe murder is fading…except now that I mentioned him he’s breathing on my neck.

Hunch over and grimace. Deep breaths. I’ll be fine.

I think I’m going to go read my Bible or maybe I’ll just sit here listening to all the creaks.

By request.

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
You're dying to reveal
Go tell her how you feel.


Today, I cleaned the bathroom. I put a picture in there too and gave my rubber ducky and little cow a new home beside it. Everyone should come see the bathroom. Ok?
What else to report? I have a date tonight and we're having pizza. I wonder if I should offer to pay? Should I wear my red shoes? Should I bring mints? The video after...should it be the Secret Garden or Be Cool? He doesn't seem to be the gangsta type - he's so little and well dressed.


Could it be
Three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard
What's wrong
Let her in on your secret heart

Huh? You don't like to dance? Oh come on you're a little tall but you'll get through it. I'm sure they like robots here.

I'm in between DB 851 G73 / DB 2126 U72 and DB 3 C62 / DB 851 G72

So, someone, please rescue me. Bring me cold water with a lime and maybe a blanket and definitely the last nine pages of my essay.

Thank you.

ONE WAY

Ok so this one time I was standing, no wait, sitting in this really crowded area and the man sitting beside me had a mild case of ADHD. He twitched beside me for over 3 hours. He was a dyslexic man but harmless enough - that is before he started eating his questionable roast beef sandwich. He smacked his lips with such vigour I whimpered a little inside each time he did. While the woman to my left just slept, she didn't even open an eye to choose her complimentary beverage. As the server wheeled her beverage holder closer to me I decided I would have an apple juice. First, Sir ADHD Slurp ordered an apple juice, with a little ice. Oh God should I change my order or should I stay strong and order apple juice as well? I had apple juice NO ICE. She kept sleeping.

I told him when I arrive in a few days I wanted us to buy Safeway brownies - those really gooey ones in the square tins. He quickly informed me that Safeway doesn't exist there. NO SAFEWAY? I'm not coming. But then I did. I arrived and we went to Sobeys. We were about to buy Fruit Loops and Corn Pops. I suggested we get Fruity Hoops because they were so much cheaper! He said "Ok but we're still getting Corn Pops. We ain't gonna cheap out on no Starch Pops," in his little gangsta tone. I'm used to his gangasta ways but the man in his mid thirties standing in the same aisle as us was not - he made this suprised loud laugh sound. Teehee...I laughed about that for days...hooboy. Also, the Brie we bought had one of those anti theft things hidden in the plastic wrap - like those metallic bits CDs have inside.

The first night there we went to a Chinese food restaurant. We were alone at first. I was enjoying the questionable atmosphere. But, with stubborn eyes and a sharp tone he explained that this place was serving bastardized Chinese food. Then a drunk man came in. He said loud things and insulted everything that moved. It was a lonely place that served alcohol more than it was a restaurant, I think.

Some old black guy sat down on the subway, looked at a women standing by the door and said in a lovely and husky voice, "I say she's all hips and lips." She turned her head away from him and just smiled.

A homeless man sitting against a wall with a little cup asked if I could "Spare $100?" I laughed then he laughed then he said "ok then how about $0.25?" I think I said no or sorry or maybe I just smiled a little with him. Then he said "Well at least I made you laugh." Hmmmm.

"Um go to a gym?" - It's a good part. Listen to it!! Please? Elevator Hopper by Kid Koala.

All done.

They've come.

Would you like some Linds with your Past?

You can visit my Flickr account if you'd like.

So, who's up for some Past. I know I am:

03/10/2005
ŔAćħĕŀ>>It's fucking snowing out!! says:
I JUST SAW A PIECE OF SNOW THE SIZE OF A RABBIT... well a rabbit on tv..

every now and then says:
its getting nicer later

ŔAćħĕŀ>>It's fucking snowing out!! says:
REALLY!!!


04/10/2005
ŔAćħĕŀ says:
boo

my words might be lethal but they're not contagious says:
hello you

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
hello you.

my words might be lethal but they're not contagious says:
how goes it?

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
not to shabby. What did the doc say? Are you going to live?

my words might be lethal but they're not contagious says:
i may but its unlikely

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
I KNEW IT!

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
All I can offer you is my penicillin. My hug factory is currently out of service


14/10/2005
the new thing since zero and one says:
i'm painting Ru a picture for her birthday present

the new thing since zero and one says:
i just need to find something to paint on.

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
well isn't that just exciting.

the new thing since zero and one says:
i know!

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
the kitchen table?

the new thing since zero and one says:
i just thought of it

the new thing since zero and one says:
no...i mean paper wise.

ŔAćħĕŀ
the table is made of wood, which comes from trees, like paper.

the new thing since zero and one says:
i need some hard paper...

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
so true

the new thing since zero and one says:
i can't give Ru our table

Ŕaćħĕŀ says:
i've got an idea!

ŔAćħĕŀ says:
TABLE. HARD!. But it is true that you can't give her ur table. MAYBE you can paint it "in her name" and keep it!

and then I'll dream of you

You know that time I told you to listen to that song over and over again? Let's try that again.

Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes


In the early 1960s my mom's family owned a battery charged radio. Occasionally, when the radio would crackle my mom and her two sisters would yell to their younger sister "the Russians are coming the Russians are coming!"
None of the girls actually knew what 'the Russians' where but, they knew The United States was threatening Russia's arrival and that threat made their younger sister cringe.

I like the thought of little innocent Canadian girls in the middle of flat inhospitable land yelling 'the Russians are coming the Russians are coming'

And this little piggy went...

I want an uncluttered life full of only ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers. I should have no possessions or life choices. I want to lay in a pollution-free field and only have to respond to my surroundings by quietly breathing in and out. Let the rest of the world exchange pleasantries – I just want to breathe. I crave more and more tools but am depressed by what they demand. SCREAM until I am freed from the web of lies and sticky games or Comatose onward, like always, and wait for that something to begin and end it all.

I wish time would stop then I could redecorate where I used to work and I’d brush her hair because she forgot and I’d put an apple in some kids pocket and a thank you card in the hand of that guy over there. If the world just stopped and I kept moving – everything would be ok. Think of all the time I would have and then when time started up again – only after I had a chance to raid Safeway’s deli department and draw moustaches bellow the noses of one or two beauties think how better things would be.

just a little

I just want to say I’m in love with your hand writing. I want to keep everything you’ve written on not because of what love you’ve written about but because of the way you’ve written the letters L, S and Y.

kiss me right here

The highlight of my day was when I discovered there were actually two pickles left in the jar not just one like I had thought.

Oh I know a Miller and she's loud

"And curly hair..."

"What? Oh I thought you said 'a wooden hip'"

"What?!"


I can hear people peeing in the apartments above me.


turtle frog
left right
escalator elevator
strawberry raspberry
and then today, while walking to the c-train from work, I thought of two words that I've never mixed up before but I thought it was weird that I hadn't - knowing my history of mixing up words. But I can't remember what they were.

go away

I banged my knee hard and now there are white spots in my monitor screen.
He said *I* could have come down and now my head hurts.
Those two aren't around to hear me and now I'm writing to you, biting my lip.

fuck you.
you stubborn
hurtful
pouting fool.
You've mistaken me
for someone who will babysit
your old crying eyes.
It just so happens
I guilt easily
and harp.
Thanks for not realizing that.
And instead dumping your
sins on my lap
- wishing me to
mend them.

the secret garden

No secret is safe with me. I will open the doors and shout out to break the spell you have begged me to enforce. I fantasise of exposing every organ in your body. After I take your lungs and your spleen I will examine your heart. Then, I will whisper, very loudly, across many continents, about the secrets I recover – vital but well hidden. I want them to know the size of your heart. Every secret deserves a second chance and every chance will be well received.

Cold sparkling streams and green spongy moss

Left over mascara, sunk under my eyeballs, clings to the insides of my lids. I pull the long slimy spider legs off the conjunctiva and onto my cheeks. One poisoned blood shot eye looks back at me and somehow joins forces with my father from the past and tries to guilt me into understanding makeup’s stupidity. The graphic visual and the added bonus of an almost forgotten memory does nothing to sway my devotion to the product. Instead, I wonder if perhaps I should have bought the one with less doubling power and in the brown tint.

Senses are forgotten and Nothing consumes.

I wouldn't know how to be this way now

Turns out sipping on warm alphagetti while watching soft-core porn on a Tuesday afternoon isn’t as fun as one would think it should be.