Create meaning

Thank you to my lovely roommate/tenant for passing on some simple, but wise life advice:

If you search for the meaning of life, you'll never find it. Instead, create your meaning.

Always have a passion. Or at least always be looking for your next passion.

Thank you roomie :)

Blogs are for sad people

I've been single for a month and was doing ok until last Sunday. Now I'm so sad. I almost forgot what it feels like to be sad and alone. Not having any plans. Not having anything to live for.

It's been more than a year, but I remember these feelings very clearly now. Almost like I never had that year off. I remember how it will consume me. How it might be calm for a moment, but the waves keep coming. They will keep crashing down.

Four years older

I was thinking today that maybe I should start a blog. So, I Googled "Blogger" and it automatically signed me into this blog! I completely forgot about it. I read a few of the last posts I wrote...So dramatic. Jeez.

Anyway, I thought of a little poem on my dog walk today. It was longer, but this is all I can remember:

My back aches to fall back onto marshmallow snow
Firm soft flat snow that will hold my shape and reflect an angel
When i finally get up

Then there was some part about a perfect canvas for my back or something...but I can't quite remember that part.

It's snowing, I'm glum and the anti-abortion group is on campus.

I've decided to blog again---instead of opening up to random men. I need to stop reeling people in by opening myself up to them.

Just listen. Don't dump, judge, leave, fade, laugh, worry or wonder.

Good afternoon!

Hello world! I changed my blogs name a while ago and I haven't left a new post since. So, I thought it was time. The weather is nice and I bought flowers for our balcony. Good times are being had. I will update more later.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I'm just as dramatic as I tell you not to be. Why take things as they come when instead you can cry and cry and cry.

If you stress, why not scream? If your head hurts, why not take the whole bottle?

I'm not tired of us but I'm tired of this and I'm not giving up on this so I might give up on us.

Come on let's go

Just now I selected "Album" on my iPod and the two albums that happened to come up first were Grab that Gun and Give Up.

Touched for the very first time

I'm going to break you. One day, you'll see. And your going to hate me. But the question is are you happy with just this--nothing more, nothing less--you want more? Or will you want less when you discover that I'm still discovering myself--looking for that girl.

You're probably happy right now. I'm happy now with that touch. But no Us--I'm searching and when I find it what will happen? I will break you, one day. You'll see.

I'm having fun--no strings, no commitment, no rules. Are you that type?

My yoga instructor tells me to live in the Now and I choose to do just that. What do you choose?

-F

WOE. OH WOE.

According to someone, someone thinks I'm FLIGHTY.

Definitions of flighty (google.ca)

guided by whim and fancy; "flighty young girls"

skittish: unpredictably excitable (especially of horses)

Especially of horses!!! I don't want to be flighty. I want to be the depressed girl in the corner who is mysteriously quiet - and when she does make a noise it's either in the form of a grunt or in order to say something simplistically thoughtful. CRY

To do this week:

• Purchase black eyeliner
• Buy a new wardrobe -- colour scheme: black
• Consider throwing away dangly rainbow coloured heart earrings
• Find a self help book focusing on how to "play it cool"
• Start reading that book of poetry
• Write at least one depressing/deep/thoughtful poem
• Get a piercing/tattoo (tattoo ideas: dead cat??? Angelina Jolie's face??) --- watch Miami Ink tomorrow.
• Find a depressed, thoughtful, sexy girl to act as my mentor -- find one at Soda? Maybe on Thursday??
• Ask landlord if paining my room black is an option
• Give two weeks notice at work - New job ideas: The Roasterie, Hot Wax....
• Sell car
• Buy beat up used car or bike
  

ME

you're half crazy

and unpredictable

it's always a mystery what you're going to do next

that's why it's so much fun being around you


Aww. Seriously I'm blushing over here.

MAD

I'm mad at everyone and everything right now. Mad mad mad. GRRR. And NO I don't know why. I'm hoping writing this will help me get over it...so far it's not working. Go away and leave me alone.

microwaving vegetables is a fine art that I obviously have not mastered

Seriously! I miss the days of stoves! And pots! And water! And steam!

Jerks all of them.

Maybe I'll get a hotplate for work. Hide it under my desk or something.

OK back to -- soggy, half cooked -- lunch I go.

You want a piece of me?

Yes please.

Mark your calendars. On January 8, 2008 I bought my first song from the iTunes Store. And what was the song you ask? A question similar to "what was the first record you ever bought?"And a question my children will ask when I'm old and a question, when I'm elderly, my friends will ask as we're smoking cigars, yelling at children and petting cats together.

And I will answer with pride: Piece of Me by Britney Spears. OMG - what a great song. So edgy, sexy and motivational - similar to my own personal qualities.

Pop Quiz. What are the two things Cuba is known for? Cars and ______. Drinky you're not aloud to participate.

And I think that's all for now. Catch you latter.

It turns out I'm bad for the heart

So I went to China and came back to Calgary. And I'm up late and I should go to bed. Life is so silly. Diana Krall's Christmas Songs suddenly started playing on my laptop without any warning. It's bringing back memories and I feel weird letting it play...mostly because it's January.

What would you do if you were lost on a rocky mountain surrounded by mist? Seriously...I'm not sure what I'd do. I think I just sit down and cry a little.

My Aunt Martha says she thinks I'm a real live angel.

Are we doing that this year?

Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas.

I'm pretty pleased with the holiday season so far. That's not 100 percent true but it's true enough. Some people have this unique gift of ruining the whole spirit of Christmas in just a few short words.

Others have a way of making me as pleased as punch, which usually involves giving me a candy cane, a hug, a cup of tea or a combination of all three (write this down if you have a poor memory).

This week has been pretty busy...a lot of eating. KFC night, Chicken bowl night, Peter's Drive In night. Starting on the 21st I'm turning into MeghanTheFit....I may even change my blog name.

Well. I think that's all for now. Have a lovely December.

A stand of some sort

Early night Because of yesterday's late night.
10:30 and sleep sleep sleep sleep
2:45 awake? No, sleep sleep No awake.
Boy's voice and talking and conversation and Lenord Cohen?
Yes, Lenord Cohen. Playing the song my middle name is named after
over and over and over and over and Bang. Sounds - just don't think about it.
4:30 and sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep
10 Awake! New day! Brush teething, boy walks by and Scream
apologize, just startled no problem.
They leave. Left with two big glass bottles to hold water instead of three
Missing third bottle and the second's lid? Weird
Ahha! The Lid. Weird.
Glass bottle full of new water back in fridge.
Happily ever after...

think

Damn it. I'm sad again.

I think I will quite my job and hide under my bed for 14 months. Then I will come out from under my little hideaway and shuffle with my head hung low into an almost deserted unkempt ice cream shop where I will order a bowl of vanilla ice cream every day and eat it very slowly with a small plastic spoon. When another 14 months pass I will order something plain with nuts but, if I'm feeling really daring I'll order tiger.
I'll be numb. All my inside parts will have lost their feeling because of the cold ice cream constantly circulating through my system but, I wont mind. After I've eaten through three more flavours I'll leave the ice cream shop and people watch. No cameras aloud and I wont look at them for too long. No trying to memorize their faces or their words or their hand gestures or the way their lips smile.
I'll start buying plants again and talk to them for as long as I can - I'll compliment them on their newest leaf formation or their particularly stunning shad of green - and I'll water them a very respectable amount. I'll eventually give them up for adoption. I'll make sure to interview the new parents and make them sign promises. Then maybe I'll go for a swim.

POP QUIZ

Can someone tell me what this says/means:

01000001
01000011
01000001
01000100
01001001
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


Thank you! Isn't this fun!? Also, if you figure out what numbers should go next (fill in those blank spaces) you win a prize...

Look over there

I don't want pasta.
My stomach feels bloated and overstuffed.
But the pot keeps boiling, I keep stirring and then I sit back down.

A desperate attempt to feel loved may have been a poor move.
Not a bad move but, it doesn't seem like it will produce good lasting results.
A quick fix...and then what? Go back to feeling sad that he isn't here anymore.

Fuck you if you think I'm too sad. These words are just for me.
Hit the X and don't come back. Forget.
Forget.

A note for cool drunks:

Because every non/functioning alcoholic needs a little hipness in his/her life.

Also, I haven't watched TV all weekend (including Friday). Go me. What else to report...umm...this weekend has been really good. It's all about keeping busy. Although I have run out of things to do now...I could join the party that's going on nearby. The music is loud but really nice. I'm almost done reading my book called The Wrong Madonna - it's really good, a little slow but it's getting me to contemplate bits of my life and all that.

Alrighty, Meghan out.